Ask Dr. Snow Panic

A reader points out that the name of this feature is more properly titled "Ask Dr. Snow Panic". I didn't spend four years in snow panic graduate school for nothing, you know.

Dear Dr. Snow Panic:

How can I get my husband to stop playing on the Internet long enough to help me with dinner?

Mrs. S.

Dear Mrs. S:

Your husband is probably doing important work, keeping the public apprised of the snowpocalypse currently underway. You should just wait for him to get hungry and wander into the kitchen of his own accord. If that doesn't work, I suggest luring him with beer. Good luck!

Ask Mr. Snow Panic, Take Three

Dear Mr. Snow Panic:

My friend BC [no relation to the comic strip one...] scheduled his party for tonight, and I just spent 2 hours getting to Crofton for it.

My dilemma is: Is there any reason to wait until the official time to start drinking, or can we begin once the tree is up?
I swear it is for medicinal purposes....

Also, is it inappropriate to ask the guests to bring extra milk & toilet paper; so he does not run out?

VTY
Friend of Bill

Dear FOB:

If what I have witnessed is any guide, most of your fellow Marylanders did not wait until their two-hour drive finished before...taking their medicine. If you do not wish to wait until the tree is up, by all means begin indulging while loudly giving direction to those who are doing the actual physical labor. As for the milk and toilet paper, the milk can be omitted if you are willing to drink your Bailey's straight. Under no circumstances may the toilet paper be omitted. Good luck!

Ask Mr. Snow Panic, Take Two

Dear Mr. Snow Panic:

I'm thinking of having a big party this evening.

Should I:

a) Pretend to be unconcerned and wonder where everyone is?

b) Check my supply of milk and toilet paper, because I will have more than my normal number of overnight guests?

c) Run a taxi service with my new snow tires so I don't have to shovel out parking places for my guests?

d) PANIC?

e) All of the above!

A Concerned Citizen

Dear Concerned Citizen:

Perhaps you need to be reminded of the name of this feature. Of course you should PANIC! Note, that this could also include b), especially if you make a desperate attempt to get to the store to procure the milk and toilet paper, and then push others out of your way. Extra points awarded if you abandon your car either on the way there or the way back. You may want to consider rescheduling your party for a later date for those unfortunate enough not to make it tonight. For example, if you were planning a tree-trimming party, you could hold it again in the new year as a tree-untrimming party.

If you find yourself with excess refreshments for tonight's party, Mrs. Snow Panic suggests you walk to the nearest intersection and recruit stranded motorists to join your party. Good luck!

Ask Mr. Snow Panic

We have our first question for Mr. Snow Panic.

Dear Mr. Snow Panic--I have a concern. In all the movies I've ever seen, when people get stuck in a house together by bad weather, somebody goes on a homicidal rage and kills everyone else (the movies seem divided about whether cannibalism is necessarily involved). Anyway, I'm stuck in my house with several other people. How can I tell which person is going to be the killer? Or should I just kill all of the others first to make sure I don't get killed?

Thanks for your help.

Dear Victim #5...I mean, concerned citizen:

If I told you to kill all of the others first, then I would be the killer, and I don't want that on my conscience. Usually in these movies, villains do not reveal themselves until they come for you. The rare exception is if someone in the house is carrying twins, then one of the twins will turn out to be "Chucky". Immediately after their birth, rush them to a Catholic priest to determine which one needs the exorcism. Hopefully you have not done anything to put yourself on the outs with the Catholic church. Good luck!