Dear Dr. Snowpanic: Rain Panic Edition

A reader writes,

Can we have Rain Panic too?

(and then some other stuff).

Sorry it has taken two days to answer this e-mail. The Snowpanic household had been overtaken by stomach bug panic. Dr. Snowpanic's Seinfeldian streak ended at a respectable two years, three months and seventeen days.

This is a two-part answer. The first is, yes, for $10/year, the domain rainpanic.com is available. Feel free to have at it.

The second is, sure! Pack up your car for the great state of West Virginia and wait for their steely Mountaineer determination to crumble as Sandy dumps foot after foot of snow on them.

Dr. and Mrs. Snowpanic, however, will restrict themselves to the Twinpanic side of the family business as we try to figure out how to entertain two two-year-olds during the inevitable power outage.

Dear Dr. Snowpanic, Active Adult Edition

Dear Dr. Snowpanic,

I live in an Active Adult Community.  We have a major problem with crazies everyday, but it's gotten ever-so worse with this blizzard.  The residents are constantly bothering the snowplow contractors, telling them how to operate the plows and where they should plow and where they should dump the snow, that the workers had to leave the neighborhood because it was too dangerous to do the job.   How can we get these people to understand that they are not the only blizzard victims, short of holding their faces down in the snow?

 

Ann Achronism

 

Dear AA:

It sounds like your neighbors have insufficient empathy for the difficult job the snowplow operators have to do.  One solution for this problem is to organize "ride alongs".  Pair each resident with a snowplow operator and let them learn the ins and outs of the job of snowplowing.  As an added bonus, the contractors will be able to receive advice without having to slow down, thus speeding the plowing of your community.

If this fails, I suggest moving to a community of less active adults.  If by the time they get out to the street, the snowplow is long gone, then the workers will be left in peace.

Good luck!

-Dr. Snowpanic

Dear Dr. Snowpanic, Snoverkill Edition

Dear Dr. SnowPanic:

My evergreens seem to have disappeared. Can you help me look for them?

VTY: Friend of Bill

Dear FOB:

Thank you for being the first Dr. Snowpanic questioner to submit a multimedia question. Welcome to the 21st century! (Or possibly the 16th.)

What you are seeing is a phenomenon know as the "tree line".  This imaginary line represents the boundary beyond which trees can no longer survive.  Fear not for the trees, however, as years of adaptation have enabled them to recognize this shift.  They have no doubt migrated south for the time being.  Should warm temperatures return in the next few weeks, expect them to make a re-appearance.  If not, well, the phrase Nullarbor Plain is already taken - start thinking of a new one that Maryland can use!

Good Luck!

-Dr. Snowpanic

Dear Dr. Snowpanic, Neverending Storm Edition

Dear Dr. Snowpanic,

Can you please explain when we officially transition from panicking about the last storm and start panicking about the next one? What are the rules for the proper amount of post-storm panicking?

-- Wondering in Laurel

Dear WiL:

Having just returned from a harrowing two-mile drive, Dr. Snowpanic can say with a lot of authority that panic about the last storm is still appropriate. On the other hand, it's hard to avoid worrying about the 5-10" we have coming. (Or 10-20" based on completely unsubstantiated reports I've seen on Twitter and Facebook.) Think of your panic for the new storm as a layer that slowly settles on top of the panic you still have piled up from the last storm. Get used to the ability to handle more than one panic at once; it will help you in other facets of life.

Good luck!

-Dr. Snowpanic

Dear Dr. Snowpanic, Global Warming Denial Edition

Dear Dr. Snowpanic;

Wouldn't you agree that the weather events of the past month have vindicated the global warming deniers?

Concerned citizen,
Tucson, Arizona

Dear CCTA,

I would say, rather, that the recent weather in DC was vindicated noted science fiction author Kim Stanley Robinson.  His 2005 book, Fifty Degrees Below, features the nation's capital trapped beneath feet of snow.  Sound familiar? 

You see, according to NASA, "Global warming could plunge North America and Western Europe into a deep freeze, possibly within only a few decades." This global warming scenario envisions a shutdown of the North Atlantic Conveyor (what laypeople refer to as the "Gulf Stream"). The true snow panicker should assume such an event is happening right now; that is as plausible as thinking that the snowstorms have disproved global warming. Think you survived the December and February snows OK? How about the March, April, June and July ones?

Good luck!

-Dr. Snowpanic

Ask Dr. Snow Panic From Arizona

Dear Dr. Snowpanic,

I have been keeping a very close watch on the Snowpocalypse from my home in (sunny, warm) Arizona, because I am concerned for the welfare of relatives who live in the D.C area.  The Weather  Channel, however, only seems to have regular live coverage from Atlantic City and Philadelphia.  Is it so bad in your area that all the weather reporters may have called in sick? 

Sincerely,
Concerned Relative

Dear Concerned Relative,

I will have to take your word for it, because The Weather Channel is one of the channels we no longer receive from the satellite.  I assume it will return in a week or so when the snow melts.  The local stations, however, have found no shortage of reporters to send out into the snow and ask people why they have ventured into the snow, then film them as they try to dig the cars out.

For The Weather Channel, however, I suspect the problem is similar to when you read a story about the dangerous Yemeni insurgency and then notice that the story is datelined Cairo.  Intrepid correspondents may have refused their orders to travel into the danger zone -- I do not know what sort of courtmartial provisions basic cable TV has.

Good luck!

-Dr. Snowpanic

First Ask Dr. Snowpanic of the 2010 Snowmaggedon

Dear Dr. Snowpanic:

My friend BC is out of town [in some miserable place called Califunny] and is going to miss all the fun.

Can you suggest any words of solace to make him feel better?

(Of course, when he gets back and finds out his [so-called] friends drank all his beer; he'll really be in the cups...)

Regards,
Doing Without

Dear DW,

OK, Dr. Snowpanic is back from braving the crowds at his local Giant. He is also back from taking a nap to recover from braving the crowds at his local Giant, and is thus ready to dispense advice.

BC should not fear that he is missing all of the panicking. If there's one thing that will rival the scene at Giant just now, it's going to be the scene at the United counter at the airport Sunday, as displaced Marylanders mob the customer service agent with demands to be sent back...here? Just as science cannot explain the sudden spike in demand in milk and toilet paper that just transpired, neither can it explain air passengers' inability to chill and enjoy a few more days in the sun. BC should feel free to jump in the fracas to make up for what he's missing now. Bonus points if after clawing his way back for an important meeting on Monday, work ends up being closed.

Good luck!

-Dr. Snowpanic

Dear Dr. Snowpanic, 2010 division

Dear Dr. Snowpanic:

I heard BC is having his makeup party this weekend....

It's supposed to snow again. Hmm....

-Concerned

Dear Concerned:

Just as Redskins fans have learned not to make Super Bowl reservations when a rookie head coach jumps out to a 6-2 record, we here at Snowpanic.com have learned not to fire up the blogging engine every time the forecast calls for a dusting. While we do not require snowpocalyptic conditions to get excited, at least wait until the stores of your local convenience store are stripped of bread, milk, eggs and toilet paper before canceling your plans to attend this shindig.

Ask Dr. Snow Panic, Part Two

Dear Mr. Snow Panic: [That's Dr. Snow Panic to you!]

I am out of licorice. I don't like licorice. Should I have run out to buy some anyway considering I may never have the chance to give licorice a second shot because I may very well be trapped inside my house for many months? Please explain this phenomena.

Sincerely, Irrational in West Virginia

Dear IiWV:

In these times of snowpocalypse, skip the licorice and go straight for the liquor-ish. As you may have run through the liquor cabinet already, substitutes such as cough medicine will do in a pinch, if you can find an appropriate mixer. (I got this idea from the very special episode of Family Ties with Tom Hanks as the alcoholic uncle.) Rubbing alcohol has potential, but it may be hard to make it to the hospital, what with the four feet of snow outside. (I got this idea from Kitty Dukakis.) Although I hate to traffic in stereotypes, as you live in West Virginia, it's unlikely you can travel more than a quarter mile in any direction without bumping into a still. (I got this idea from Snuffy Smith.) Good luck!

Ask Dr. Snow Panic

A reader points out that the name of this feature is more properly titled "Ask Dr. Snow Panic". I didn't spend four years in snow panic graduate school for nothing, you know.

Dear Dr. Snow Panic:

How can I get my husband to stop playing on the Internet long enough to help me with dinner?

Mrs. S.

Dear Mrs. S:

Your husband is probably doing important work, keeping the public apprised of the snowpocalypse currently underway. You should just wait for him to get hungry and wander into the kitchen of his own accord. If that doesn't work, I suggest luring him with beer. Good luck!