Time to register icepanic.com?

The Post reports:

After a Sunday of snow-clearing, nightfall brought temperatures in the 20s, and by morning wet sidewalks were icy. That sent people tumbling, and many rolled into emergency rooms for X-rays, splints and casts.

"We had a total of 57 X-rays this morning for backs, ankles, hands and wrists," said Ron Harris, a spokesman for Howard University Hospital.

And there were other hazards:

At George Washington University Medical Center...."Today, we have had less than a dozen visits, mostly people complaining of injuries from shoveling."

What? Me Panic?

According to the Washington Post, a roof collapse on a Georgetown home is being partially blamed on the heavy snow atop.

We cannot think of a more valid reason to panic post-snowfall than the weight of snow on our fragile roofs, and have measured the snow on the roof dormers here at SnowPanic.com HQ. The results:


<<< On the sunny side of the roof, only 6 inches of snow remain on the dormer.

On the shady side, however, 11 inches or more have accumulated. >>>

We're certainly hoping that slate roofs can withstand the pressure of however many pounds of snow per square foot that amounts to. We're also wondering how many pounds of pressure that represents. When our resident mathematician gets back to HQ, we'll assign him the task of figuring that out.

Winning Haiku

Our winning haiku, as chosen by Snowpanic.com's very impressed poetry editor, was sent in by reader Jeanene Burke:

Snowpocalypse here
Panic! No shovel for you
It’s warm in San D.

Congratulations!

If anyone wants to turn in further haikus, we will be happy to publish them, even though they are too late for the contest.

And remember, with tomorrow's rush hour, we have further opportunity for tales of panic. If Monday produces any of those (or others emerge from this weekend's wreckage), please send them to jon@snowpanic.com.

Bringing a Gun to a Snowball Fight

The Washington City Paper has more details about the video I re-posted last night from the incident where a cop pulled a gun on people at an impromptu snowball fight.

Apparently Detective Baylor got upset at snowballs being directed at his Hummer, so he got out and brandished his gun. Only when other police officers responded to reports of a man with a gun did he identify himself as a police officer.

Detective Baylor, you may have clinched the title of Snow Panicker of the Storm (though we're still open for nominations). But can you write a mean haiku? E-mail your entry to haiku@snowpanic.com.

Snowpocalypse Haiku Contest

SnowPanic.com is sponsoring its first contest! Write a Haiku with the theme of the Snowpocalypse in the Mid-Atlantic. Those who need to Google "Haiku" might reconsider their entry.

Winners (1st, 2nd, and 3rd place, plus honorary mentions) will be selected by the SnowPanic.com selection committee; each will receive a coveted spot in the blog.

Deadline: 9:15 pm on December 20, 2009 . (That's 12 hours, people; it's a 17-syllable poem!) Winners announced sometime after that.

Original works only. Unattributed plagiarism will not be tolerated.

Send your entries to haiku@snowpanic.com.

The Harold Meeker Effect

Retailers this season are scared witless by the loss of one major shopping day this year. From their POV, of course, this is a major catastrophe.

Yesterday was supposed to be one of the busiest shopping days of the year, but Snowpocalypse 2009 quashed most merchants' hopes. Even the very bravest shoppers were stymied by the piles of snow.

We at snowpanic.com are reminded of a Far Side Cartoon:



Everyone looks at the news from their own perspective. The local news may report about death and destruction from Snowpocalypse, but for the Wall Street Journal, it's: Snowstorm Threatens 'Super Saturday' Sales.

Online poker, however, is on the rise. Gambling911.com reports: East Coast Snow Storm: Good News for Online Poker Rooms.

Lest you think that Snowpocalypse transcends political boundaries, reader comments on news articles around the Interwebs confirm that with the heavy snowfall came conclusive disproof of global warming.

Here at snowpanic.com, we don't view the record snowfall through the lens of Christmas commercialism. Neither do the effects on online gambling or even climate change denial represent our main concern. For us, the Snowpocalypse is about one thing: how can we make money by starting a blog about chionophobia?

Readers Report

A reader from Laurel, Maryland writes in:

As the sun rises above the new snow-topped horizon, I realize a new nightmare begins as the snow ends -- the grisly search for survivors and those not so lucky. Those unfortunate souls trapped in their cars or foolish enough to attempt some "winter fun" in this most serious and record-breaking storm. I am expecting scenes similar to that of "I am Legend" (except with a lot of snow) or "The Stand" (well those were really quite similar weren't they?). Perhaps a trip to Whole Foods first. I will keep my eyes peeled for survivors.

"Cop admits to pulling gun at snowball fight"

I think the title of this video says it all. Ah, DC's finest.


Originally spotted at Gotcha Media.

Saving A Spot

Saving A Spot
Originally uploaded by matt house

It wouldn't be a snowstorm in Baltimore if people weren't using chairs to reserve parking spaces.

Is it too late to register mildchillintheairpanic.com?

A reader from Southern California writes:

My son put on a jacket to go outside. He later took it off because he was too warm, but it was a tense 30 minutes.

The End of the Snow is Nigh!

According to several weather services as well as our own eyes, the snow is lifting, shifting, and slowing. In University Park, the snow has stopped completely, proving that when it comes to the snowpocalypse, snow is just the beginning. Of course, it may be too late to save the area's football games, which may be poorly attended.

Metro Snow Panic Updates

The Washington Post has these gems and more.

The agency sent trains to Greenbelt, New Carrollton, Largo, Branch Avenue, Huntington and Vienna after hearing reports of customers stranded in the Fort Totten, Anacostia, Stadium-Armory, Ballston and Pentagon City stations, said Steven Taubenkibel, a Metro spokesman. He said all the trains made it to their destinations except for the one bound for Vienna, which was stopped by the weather and eventually had to be towed back by a diesel-powered piece of equipment. The 10 riders on that train, he said, were eventually driven to their destinations by Metro supervisors.

Before officials shut down bus service Sunday, Taubenkibel said, 17 buses got stuck in snow and 21 were involved in accidents.

Nineteen Inches and Counting

 

Yardstick provided by Badcock Furniture.

Ask Dr. Snow Panic, Part Two

Dear Mr. Snow Panic: [That's Dr. Snow Panic to you!]

I am out of licorice. I don't like licorice. Should I have run out to buy some anyway considering I may never have the chance to give licorice a second shot because I may very well be trapped inside my house for many months? Please explain this phenomena.

Sincerely, Irrational in West Virginia

Dear IiWV:

In these times of snowpocalypse, skip the licorice and go straight for the liquor-ish. As you may have run through the liquor cabinet already, substitutes such as cough medicine will do in a pinch, if you can find an appropriate mixer. (I got this idea from the very special episode of Family Ties with Tom Hanks as the alcoholic uncle.) Rubbing alcohol has potential, but it may be hard to make it to the hospital, what with the four feet of snow outside. (I got this idea from Kitty Dukakis.) Although I hate to traffic in stereotypes, as you live in West Virginia, it's unlikely you can travel more than a quarter mile in any direction without bumping into a still. (I got this idea from Snuffy Smith.) Good luck!

Run for your life! No, wait, don't do that either!

D.C. Mayor Adrian M. Fenty is urging pedestrians to get off the streets during the snow storm.

Also:

Shortly after noon, a snow plow collided with a bus. Piringer says nine people suffered minor injuries.

Maryland in Full Snow Panic Mode

Maryland State Police said this afternoon that a trooper who stopped to help motorists is also stranded after a snow plow pushed a load of snow onto them.

Crafty Ways to Pass the Snowpocalypse

If you are considering leaving home to shop, attend parties, or just play chicken with the snowplows, here are some tips to keep you safely indoors.

1. Celebrate Christmas early by opening all the presents. Be sure to save the wrapping! Later, you can re-wrap them for the pagan date.
2. Google all your exes to see how they're spending the snowpocalypse.
3. Time your Menorah candles to see how long they'll burn.
4. Crochet or knit some long johns for the pets in your home. They'll need to go out sometime.
5. Gather all the lint from your dryer and the dust bunnies from under your bed to create a new pet. Proceed with no. 4.
6. Need down to restuff your comforter? Feed the birds uncooked rice. Bonus: time the little guys' implosions.
7. Create your own state-of-emergency slide: Water down the walks, and create vests out of orange construction paper. Use empty Amazon boxes, large silver platters, or broken snow shovels to slide away!
8. Build an igloo by piling snow, throwing water over it, and then digging it out once it's iced. You'll need the extra abode for all your stranded party guests, and igloos stay quite warm when full of people! Just one Menorah candle will light it up!
9. Make paper maché goods-- fruitcakes (which might taste better), gifts for forgotten relatives, temporary pet housing, dioramas of stranded vehicles, life-size snowplows, or anemometers -- using all that extra toilet paper, milk, bread, and eggs.
10. Begin a blog to keep your family apprised of your situation. Be sure to link your email to the blog, so that you can send messages from a web-enabled phone once the power goes out.

Contact us with more suggestions!

Observations from Arizona

A reader in Tucson, Arizona writes:

As a former resident of Maryland, I am following your snowpanic blog with interest. I have memories of many Maryland snowstorms which is probably why I'm writing from Arizona. As I write this, I can hear the birds chirping outside through our open doors, and my husband just returned from playing 18 holes of golf. On the other hand, it sounds like you will probably have a picturesque, snowy Christmas. So we hope everyone stays safe and warm!

Ask Dr. Snow Panic

A reader points out that the name of this feature is more properly titled "Ask Dr. Snow Panic". I didn't spend four years in snow panic graduate school for nothing, you know.

Dear Dr. Snow Panic:

How can I get my husband to stop playing on the Internet long enough to help me with dinner?

Mrs. S.

Dear Mrs. S:

Your husband is probably doing important work, keeping the public apprised of the snowpocalypse currently underway. You should just wait for him to get hungry and wander into the kitchen of his own accord. If that doesn't work, I suggest luring him with beer. Good luck!

Ask Mr. Snow Panic, Take Three

Dear Mr. Snow Panic:

My friend BC [no relation to the comic strip one...] scheduled his party for tonight, and I just spent 2 hours getting to Crofton for it.

My dilemma is: Is there any reason to wait until the official time to start drinking, or can we begin once the tree is up?
I swear it is for medicinal purposes....

Also, is it inappropriate to ask the guests to bring extra milk & toilet paper; so he does not run out?

VTY
Friend of Bill

Dear FOB:

If what I have witnessed is any guide, most of your fellow Marylanders did not wait until their two-hour drive finished before...taking their medicine. If you do not wish to wait until the tree is up, by all means begin indulging while loudly giving direction to those who are doing the actual physical labor. As for the milk and toilet paper, the milk can be omitted if you are willing to drink your Bailey's straight. Under no circumstances may the toilet paper be omitted. Good luck!